The Hungry Poet: My Life in Food — Fifteens

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Fifteens or, should I say, one huge fifteen.

The Fifteen - A Condensed Milk Concoction

What is condensed milk? I’m not entirely sure I want to know. I remember hearing somewhere that it was invented to be taken on long sea voyages as the amount of sugar in it would act as a way of preserving the milk, or something like that. At any rate, if you’re looking to give your dentist reasons for replacing your teeth, look no further than these innocuous looking little red Carnation tins masquerading as gateways to Type 1 diabetes. If you haven’t got the gist already, condensed milk is one of the sugariest (and yes that is a word), sweetest, stickiest substances on the planet (beaten only by black treacle, aka the devil’s gold). 

Where Was I?

Which brings me on to Fifteens, as seen in the picture above (my own handiwork). Fifteens are the epitome of a sweet treat and no finer accompaniment to a cup of tea will you find. They are called fifteens because the recipe consists of fifteen of each of the ingredients which are: 

• Marshmallows

• Crushed digestive biscuits

• Glacé cherries

• Condensed milk

And that’s it. Oh, apart from desiccated coconut with which you’re supposed to coat the finished biscuity, marshmallowy, cherry-y sausage, and which adds the perfect final textural and aromatic touch.

Method (if you can call it a method)

Leave your fancy patisserie skills at the door for this one. The method of making the fifteens fundamentally consists of chucking the ingredients in a bowl, mixing with condensed milk, rolling into a huge sausage, covering in desiccated coconut and chilling the in the fridge. That’s it. The beauty of making one of these huge sausages is that you can either find yourself cutting tiny slices off of it for about a week in order to eke it out, or, when nobody’s looking, portion out a big fat one. Be warned, though, the traces of desiccated coconut will give you away. I went online recently and was surprised to see a celebrity chef melt butter with warmed condensed milk, and for a minute I thought I’d been doing it wrong all this time, but no. The real fifteen method, at its heart, requires the outlook and simple-mindedness of a five year old, and the only thing that is a necessity when making fifteens is entering into a giddy childlike excitement at seeing this recipe become more than the sum of its parts. Oh, and when you open the tin of condensed milk I dare you not to weigh it out, and just pour on as much as it takes to bind the mix. The same goes for the cherries and marshmallows. I like to think that fifteen is the minimum quantity for each of the ingredients. 

Fifteen Memories

If you’ve grown up in Northern Ireland you will doubtless have encountered a Fifteen. I have vivid memories of trays of them being displayed at various Presbyterian church events, usually on trestle tables in fusty old halls, being served by kindly, old women. They are a sweet treat that takes me right back to my Northern Irish childhood. My mother never really made them, so it was always a treat to find them as part of the offering at the school fete, and, usually alongside its crony, the millionaire’s shortbread (another excellent exponent of the condensed milk traybake). I have no doubt they have been bastardised by the juggernaut that is the UPF industry and I’m sure you can buy them in shops now, packed full with palm oil instead or inverted sugar syrup or something awful like that. Buying fifteens, though, is to miss the point. The joy of the fifteen is to go on the journey from making them to eating them, all within about 30 minutes. Also, they are so simple to make, if you have the ingredients in, it’s cheaper and quicker to make them yourself than trekking to the shops. Even if  waiting for them to chill in the fridge for that 25 minute period is difficult - hold your composure and you will be rewarded, my friend.

Balance of Flavour (Seriously?) 

I write about balance a lot when I write about poetry and how great poetry and great art is always on some level composed of opposing ideas or images which are balanced by each other. And I honestly do think that the fifteen is a great example of balance. We have the crunchy, slightly dry digestive biscuits, versus the firm, sticky, moist cherries, versus the sticky, soft marshmallow, brought together with the sweetness and moisture of the condensed milk. Eating it while having a cup of tea, though, is akin to heaven on earth. Worry about the fillings and the dental bill later.